After having decided to stop smoking several months ago, going through the process of readying myself and then putting action to it, has not been easy. I’ve been off the wall, so to speak. Emotional, in mental turmoil, not felt at all like myself and some days at a real loss how to cope with the experience of what I’ve been going through.
I’m now getting myself back on track and finding my way again. Putting a sincere effort into clearing the toxic chemicals in my body and releasing the mental and emotional traumas within that brought about my habitual smoking habit. This very writing is part of that process… openly admitting the habit, openly being vulnerable to what I’m feeling, openly acknowledging I still have a way to go.
It’s been a difficult 6 weeks but a more difficult time throughout the last few years in realising the addiction, coming to terms with it, accepting it as an addiction and the hold it had over me, and finding the peace in my heart that I needed to be able to release the habit.
Since stopping, the hardest parts have been the disturbances (physical, mental and emotional) not smoking has brought about, as my body no longer has the chemicals it’s used to, cursing through my veins.
Physical – constant headache, nausea, aches and pains, cramps, not sleeping. I never expected this. I didn’t know my body would fight itself. So unexpected was the dehydration, the peeling skin, the aches and pains, the muscles twitching and cramping, the long spasms as my body can no longer rely on that form of sustenance regardless of its poisonous affliction. Some days this feels cruel. Some days it feels wrong to deplete it of its addiction. Some days… some days, it feels anything but a healthy way of being.
Mental – loss of mental clarity mainly through sleep deprivation, disturbing dreams when I did sleep. Unable to focus for more than short intervals. Breathing through the headache that feels like I’ve been hit with an axe in my frontal lobe. It’s constant. A long thin needle like pain cursing through the motor cortex and reaching out through my eyes fleeting yet debilitating. Breathe, breathing through it. Concentration gone. Misunderstanding actions and words and feeling like I just can’t think – it hurts to think. I need sleep. My brain is tired, my thoughts are tired. I work through it having a strong pain threshold and knowing how to ignore the pain and function over the top of it, or underneath it – whatever the need. I can suffice. This too shall pass.
Emotional – feeling I’ve lost connection to myself, everyone and everything. Anger and sadness all rolled into one. Feeling completely blocked, shut off and shut down, with only fleeting moments of connectivity. Not enjoying the comments people make whether positive or negative – feeling I have to restrain myself from reacting as the fight within wants to retaliate. Desperately needing a hug (but not wanting one at the same time) and at times looking for support but realising this too, is not the self-reliance and support I need to get through this and not what I need to live my life healthily as a self-empowered person. I need to find the strength within to carry myself through this and today, I finally feel that is coming – slowly and gradually awakening on a much deeper level than I’ve experienced prior to this moment. I have weak moments, moments where I look to other’s for support but it doesn’t come – not for lack of help but more so because they can’t replace the chemicals, a hug doesn’t feed my body with the wanton relief it’s looking for. I see this as a small sufferance in light of what I’m sure will come – the freedom of being free of the attachment… I hold that thought.
I’ve experienced and felt deeply, somewhat with curiousity at times, the inner emotional and mental battle, along with the physical implications as my body can no longer rely on the chemicals and begins its adjustment to a more natural state of working and functioning. An inner battle resides where the addiction fights for its continued life, desperately trying to find a foothold. Grasping for survival as it senses it’s loss of life and can’t surrender to death – it competes with itself, causing an angry yet sad battle – it’s in turmoil, sad at its impending death and with its dying breaths cries from the depths of impending doom for assistance to help it survive. It grasps at any fleeting chemical it can find within the body to stay alive. It is losing its hold. It knows it. It cries until it let’s go, surrenders and slowly but gracefully releases itself, only to rise up again in moments causing further physical pain; my body suffering but adjusting, slowly, steadily and I start to feel it lessening.
In a way I feel like I’m saying goodbye to a best friend. A friend who has supported me in my times of trials, who truly knew me and my fears, who was always there when I needed them, who never judged me. Coming to terms with how attached this union had become and realising that I felt I couldn’t survive without this ‘friend’ brought me to needing to say goodbye so that we could both be free of the hold we had on each other. Goodbye my friend, my lover, my supporter, my co-conspirator to the blindness that held me bound in a life (and thought) that I couldn’t do without you. Thank you for the help you provided when I needed you. Thank you for being there for me when there was no other and I couldn’t lean on myself. Thank you for the simple release from my pain that you afforded me. I say goodbye to you in true grace and send you off with blessings and gratitude for all that we’ve shared and grant us both peace.
#spiritual #addiction #smoking #trust #emotional #physical #mental #connection